Recovery?

From Friday through Tuesday, I basically ate my full meal plan. It sucked. By that I suppose I mean that I felt angry, trapped, resentful, and, most prominently, terrified. MH says that I won't lose control, that Mollie knows what she's doing with my meal plan, that my weight won't spiral out of control, but I don't know that she understands that my body gains weight so fast. It seems like I can already see it. I looked in the mirror last night in the bathroom at AEW's and it was just so clear to me that I had already put on some of the pounds I'd lost this summer.

I know this all sounds so irrational. It does, doesn't it? But it's the truth about how I feel. I'm determined not to gain the weight back.

I thought things were going better -- or at least that I had them under control. Following the small meal plan that Mollie gave me a couple of months ago was working well for me. Getting exchanges in liquid forms was working for me. Skipping a meal every once in a while and replacing it with something more snack-ish was working for me. I guess I'm wrong with every single one of those sentences, because people keep telling me that I am, and also because it's proven to be wrong in the past that I can restrict indefinitely.

...and yet somehow it's so hard to let go of. I wrote just a moment ago that I'm determined not to gain the weight back -- but I didn't acknowledge the consequences. Let me acknowledge them now.

Dishonest relationships with my closest friends and family
Losing my relationship with AEW
Losing control of my restricting, leading to B/P behaviors
Falling back into SH behaviors (this one seems very unlikely)
Fucking up academically (this one seems VERY likely)
Falling back into a pattern of drama and provocativeness

How can I justify any of my current behavior when I look at what I could be losing? Christ, LOOK at it. Look at what I would be losing. And yet I can't let go of the idea of losing weight, remain fearful of eating normal, solid food? What is wrong with me? This is so irrational that I am left with the fact I have to admit, again, that I have an eating disorder. Yes, all of us who have been at LPCH have been taught to say "I have an ED" the same way men and women in AA have been taught that they must say "I am an alcoholic."
...I suppose, though, that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying that I have an active eating disorder. I am not actively in recovery. This feels terrible to say. Maybe it's not true. Maybe I have an active disorder but am also active in recovery?

James Franco Looks Lovely in Drag

So, interestingly enough, James Franco -- someone whose appearance and presentation to me seemed very masculine prior to this -- has appeared on the cover of the magazine Candy, which self-describes as

the first fashion magazine ever completely dedicated to celebrating transvestism, transexuality, cross dressing and androgyny

So that's cool. He looks like a super-confident queen!