I'm returning to this blog thing with a bit more passion and direction. "Passion" might not be the right word, actually. "Purpose" might be more accurate. I'm going to purposefully focus on the things I'm passionate about. And then write about them here.
Currently, that means focusing on feminism, lesbianism(/queerness generally), eating disorders(/recovery), and cats. Mreowww.
All of those things are (obviously) interconnected; my feminist self is so proud of me for coming out and being happily gay, but that same feminist voice is very irritated with the part of me that is refusing to get both feet over the doorstep of recovery from my eating disorder. And I think that Floozy is obese again, which is definitely related to EDs and recovery, because I'm letting her meal plan get out of hand as much as mine. Sorry, Flooze. We will work on our MPs together. My ED urges also are interfering with my relationships, as they always do -- friends, family, love -- everything is affected, and it will be affected in the same way every time. How can I keep telling myself that it's not true, that "It'll be different this time because of ________"? It's easy to fool myself into thinking that I'll get away with being in recovery halfway. It's easy to think I can just lose a little bit of weight and then I'll be able to stop, that it won't lead to a cycle of restricting, bingeing, restricting, purging . . . Maybe seeing it in print here will help me be accountable, help me realize that I've admitted it's impossible to hold onto just half of my mental health and ignore the rest.
A disclaimer for my friends from LPCH: I'm going to be posting a lot of thoughts about recovery and eating disorders and how I'm doing personally, and I don't want it to be triggering -- but it might be, and if it is, just comment or shoot me an email and I'll be more careful / take down the offending post.
No comments:
Post a Comment